When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight