my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
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*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated