Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman