Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?