Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
i’m laughing very hard in real life
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance