#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
New favorite tiktok
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best