It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
You Might Also Like
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”