It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I drew y’all a little something.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.