One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.