[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are