Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You Might Also Like
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My favorite farside!!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Don’t tell me what to do