You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You Might Also Like
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Clients after you give them your rates
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?