Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
me irl
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho