My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When you’ve simply given up.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog