I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
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#SCOTUS one-star review
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.