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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
step 6: release the wall snake
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.