When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’m an avid indoorsman.