[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels