@TheToddWilliams

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

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@riot4rach

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

@Social_Mime

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@djdarrellripley

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

@SteveKoehler22

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@OBiiieeee

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church