[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM


Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”


Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse


Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.


62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”


Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.


No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.


“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church