Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test