Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars