*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.