help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.