Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye