It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
You Might Also Like
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…