What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Pretty much. 🤣
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.