you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*![]()
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.