[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Succinctly put.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes