@tonyagalbraith

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

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@secondofhername

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

@MolotovJohnny

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

@extremely_wet

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

@RichBeingRich

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.