@tonyagalbraith
@secondofhername Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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@secondofhername 
@CornOnTheGoblin me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
@MolotovJohnny Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
@extremely_wet remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
@RichBeingRich im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
@MichaelTrying In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
@dubiousrhetoric [at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
@internetluke Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@mjohnny3 On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
@OnlyFastEddie The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.