Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

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“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay


…one more honk and I’m gonna…
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*


i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.


Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.


Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.


Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.


*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better


Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*


I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.