@ElenaChainHelp1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

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@dafloydsta

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

@dave_cactus

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

@Royotathon

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

@batkaren

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

@

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

@Brampersandon_

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

@Buffalojilll

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

@funderlaw

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.