Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
All excellent questions
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.