Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You Might Also Like
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same