a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.