Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.