My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Not all heroes wear capes….
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!