meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
You Might Also Like
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.