I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.