I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Looking at you, Jesus.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.