Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
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Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Just so funny
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE