“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill