What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.