Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you