You Might Also Like
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
found this cool rock hiking today
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]