Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
That time Alicia messaged me
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.