I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The funk soul brother
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou