[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You Might Also Like
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.