OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.