I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
concern
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.