*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
What about a To-Don’t List?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.