Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
drew a comic about my origin story
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.