Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

scenes of unspeakable carnage

what the hell pray for carter everyone

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.