Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
If looks could kill
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.