*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again