If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
saving face 👀
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?