My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.